Upcoming (Mis)Adventures

I have a few recipes in mind for the upcoming week and will try them soon, but I thought I’d share a couple of laughs and musings with ya’ll before I really get started on them (Or: Before things really get out of hand).

Last night I made some honey-glazed chicken and bacon bites. These things are freakin’ awesome and they aren’t time consuming. If you’re like me you cringe when you have to touch raw chicken (ugh) …but I got past it for these.

What’s even worse is you have to wrap the bacon around the chicken strips. And let me tell you, handling two pieces of slippery meat and trying to put them together is no easy task. I have a gutter-mind and as I was trying to accomplish this it was almost too much for me. The jokes just write themselves, eh?

I also made mashed taters (that turned out lumpy even though I used the potato pusher thingy, I forget what it’s called) and some cheddar biscuits. Chicken, bacon, cheddar biscuits, and taters. I know you think I’m asking for heart failure, but you didn’t taste this shit.

For this week I’m going to try:

  • Comeback Sauce – My first thoughts on this one were, oh it’s the sauce that’s making a comeback aha!. Then, after reading about it, I readjusted that thought to, OH I get it. You “comeback” for the sauce. The name aside, I’m hoping it tastes like Chick-Fil-A sauce, which is crack to me now. (I used to be crazy about the nuggets themselves, now they’re just sauce-boats.)
  • Peanut Butter Balls, or Buckeyes – I think people get a little peeved by the naming of these…that they aren’t named properly or some such thing. Names, again. Yeesh. Anywho, seems simple enough, but again the recipe has things in lbs. and when I see that I die a little inside. I never have things in quantities of pounds, and I can’t get away with hiding them sufficiently enough when there are so goddamn many of them. I’ll cut the recipe and see. I have to make a trip to the store anyway, for cake paraffin wax. Already I know I’m in trouble.
  • And finally, Toasted Ravioli and Marinara – Easy peasy recipe, but there’s frying in oil involved. That’s when things get risky around here. I’m looking forward to this one the most I think.

Hopefully this week will allow for this much (mis)adventure baking, but we’ll see. Doctor’s appt (the girly kind), Shakespeare midterm, and so much reading are the big hitters this week.

Til’ then!

(Mis)Adventures in DIY

I found this 2 ingredient recipe for pore/acne strips, to replace the Biore ones you find at the drugstore. It’s been on my reading list bar for a while now so I decided to try it tonight. (After my dad had gone to bed so he couldn’t make fun of my glass mask face.)

Pretty simple.

2 ingredients: unflavored gelatin and milk. Best DIY ever, eh?

I thought, alright! I’m on board! But little did I know. The blogger has step by step pictures of her in the process. It looks innocent enough.

I mixed the concoction, microwaved for a bit, and set to slappin’ it on. Mind you — it stinks! Warm milk and unflavored jelly stuff, not a good smell. Maybe lime would have been better. Then again she doesn’t advise that.

So I slathered it on, nasty smell and all, and then waited. About 10 minutes in I’m feeling all breaky-face. I try to talk and feel like my skin is cracking (this can’t be a good sign). Time’s up! Let’s get to peeling.

This should be fun, right? It was like peeling dead skin, which you know, we all love. (No really, I know you like it. Everyone’s had a bad sunburn.)

It started out okay, but then I got to my cheek. Oh lordy was that not fun. Like peeling tape from a wound. The blogger mentions that this leaves your skin feeling baby soft, and after what I went through it was surprisingly close to… If you consider having baby skin meaning that you have a whole new layer after peeling the first one off! My skin is still tingling and red as I write this.

Her face, however, looks conspicuously free of redness and her eyes tearless. I finally just scrubbed the rest off with warm water and a washcloth.

It was a fun venture if you count pain part of the party. My face does have a nice soft feel after I gave it some moisturizer. Now, I know that these kinds of things are different from everyone, but I feel like I should have at least had a warning that the peelage would be painful.

God forbid, don’t get it in your eyebrows. I lost a few key hairs there.

Ridiculous Pinterest

I just had to blog about this…so bear with me while I ponder the ridiculousness of some pinterest pins.

It’s a free for all when you hit the “everything” button, and lots of them are repeats, but one thing remains the same. You never know what some people come up with.

I just saw a photography post on a cute baby photo…in a bowl of cereal. The description was to have a photo with the baby and the food you craved the most during that pregnancy.

Cute idea, right? Maybe if you had really pretty food for cravings. If you have ever been around a pregnant woman though, you would know that this is seldom the case.

My sister had cravings for barbecue and potatoes during her first pregnancy. I’m not sure how that photoshoot would go down.

So seriously, I get the whole DIY every imaginable thing. Maybe this idea works for somebody (the chick with the froot loops addiction…).

I’m keeping my eye out for more ridiculous pinterest pins. I’m sure it won’t be long.

Adventures in Baking: The first of many to come!

Recently I discovered Pinterest, thanks to my sister (who has to retain her sanity somehow, alone at the house with two little boys) and it’s got me acting all nest-y and stuff. Even though I have no reason to “nest” or anything like that.

Pinterest, as I see it, is a site that lets you bookmark stuff without actually bookmarking it on your browser. Pinterest has “boards” that you “pin” stuff to while adhering to certain categories and such. Most of my pins are food and clothes. It seems a popular place for brides to pin favorite wedding ideas and things. Young moms and teachers are also popular there. Really it’s a veritable wealth of DIY and pretty things. Some are a bit thinspo and fitness-y, which I ignore…but whatever.

That being said, I have a huge food board. Lots of recipes from people who take mouthwatering pictures of their food and blog about the recipe step by step. There isn’t a healthy dish on that board and if it so happens to be healthy I will find a way to change it, believe me.

What I find though is that with many of these recipes the quantity is set to feed an army (I picture their stereotypical husband and three kids with vacuums for mouths) or are for parties that they throw with their equally stereotyped friends. That’s fine and all guys. I can halve and quarter to my hearts content. The downside of doing so is that it doesn’t always turn out they way the pretty picture looks. (Yeesh, with their fancy cameras, how could it?)

It’s funny actually how much I end up screwing everything. For instance, take the iced coffee recipe. Seems simple and all when you read through and feast your eyes on the photo-ops, but for someone in a small town with not all the necessary items or containers (ugh) it’s not all coffee-colored-rainbows and caffeine-butterflies.

The recipe calls for 8 (fucking eight) quarts of water and a whole bag of coffee. Jesus, this woman is an addict was my first thought. No problem though…just half it. Easy-peasy.

It has to steep overnight or 8 hours? Alllrighty then. So much for instant gratification. Too bad I forgot about it the next day, sitting on the counter in a huge jug…liquid gold! After a while I began to wonder if there was such a thing as cold-brewing for too long. Shit, I don’t know these things. I don’t even order iced coffee at Starbucks! (I’m a passion tea lemonade gal, myself)

Welp. I have to strain it. Calls for a fine strainer and some cheesecloth. Wtf, cheesecloth? Long ago I thought this stuff was actually made from cheese. Would make the coffee taste a leeetle different, yes? Of course, none in sight at my local walmart or any other grocery/kitchen/whatever store. That’s all good…because coffee filters! Yes!

No. Because the container I was straining into didn’t hold the little strainer I had well, and the coffee filters made for sloooow going. Too late, I realized I could have transferred the unstrained liquid to the other container which did fit the strainer, but I was already a third of the way through. (I sabotage myself frequently) So I had to stand over the two containers slowly feeding the coffee through bits at a time. Needless to say I pulled up and chair and the mom and I discussed romance novels.

Wasn’t a bad experience after all. The next morning I was so excited and raring to go try my coffee. Since I hate having the little sugar granules or other such sugar substitute floating at the bottom of the coffee not quite mixed it (which inevitably leads to a SUPER SWEET last few sips) I decided to use sweetened condensed milk. I see those words and I say it in Mary from the movie Mary and Max’s voice. If you haven’t seen that movie you really should.

Oh by the way SCM doesn’t like to mix with coffee either. I got little pearls of it with each sip of cold coffee. The mom had a great idea and just frothed it up with a hand mixer and we added some chocolate and BAM MUH’FUCKAS a vanilla mocha coffee thingy! Success! I can’t really enjoy it on my early hour drive to school though…because. erm. it’s coffee ya know? (Sets things in motion, if you get my drift)

Stay tuned for more of me being stupid with recipes. And some truly successful ones, I promise.

Here’s the recipe I tried.

Pretty, isn't it?

Freshmen: To Condemn or not to condemn….

At the start of this semester I overheard some friends of mine talking about these guys in a truck trying to (playfully?) run down a freshmen crossing the street. When I heard it, I got a bit pissed for a couple of reasons.

First is…that’s fucking rude! Kid could have had a shit day in his first week of college and some jerks go and do this!

Second was the fact that our school, though growing (we just got a football team! Go Runners!), is still largely a commuter school. Myself being one of those commuters (it’s an hour drive ya’ll. Eugh.) So justifying who is and who isn’t a Freshman can get a little sticky. Best just to not even try. I mean, there are those tell-tale signs: glazed eyes, asking for directions or constantly consulting a campus map, and the clothes (yes, you can tell. Senior hs shirts and uggs.). I remember coming over from another school as a sophomore transfer and having to blunder around campus for a while before I got the hang of things. There is also a large population of the older generations going back to school (my creative nonfiction writing professor is a 40 year old grad student who had children early and has worked up to this point. Cool points!). I just don’t think it is wise to torment someone on a loosely based judgement.

Third is…what the fuck is up with terrorizing them in the first place? I get it, you are at the top of the totem pole again (speaking of my Senior friends) and you get to reenact your high school hierarchy. But shouldn’t that just stay in high school? Unless you’re one of those kids that thought high school was the best four years of your life (EUGH again). Now, some freshman are obnoxious and might trigger that need-to-haze line of thinking, but I think it best to just ignore those types. They’ll have to bend over for college at some point and college doesn’t give reach-arounds.

Case in point: A freshman girl in my Texas and Southwest literature class. She initially started chatting me up in the first or second day of class and we are class-buddies now (useful if you don’t already have someone you know in the class). That was great and all…but I’m getting a bit worn down on her obnoxiousness.

I honestly don’t know how this girl ended up in there. I’m genuinely interested in taking this lit class (hello, English major) and like the topic and style of teaching…but she’s a Nursing student set to transfer to a bigger university next semester. She constantly talks and whispers to me and the guy next to her, smacking her gum all the while (don’t EVEN get me started on the irrational violence that triggers in me) and she hardly reads or cares about the material. Every time she comes in and sits next to me she sighs and complains about how tired she is and how she didn’t do the reading. First of all, like I care. And bitch, you’re tired now? Just wait sweetheart. And I don’t know if she’s gotten the memo yet, but stupidity isn’t attractive. Neither is pretending that you’re behind in class and don’t care. You’ll care at some point, because you’ll have to.

For example: Last week (Friday! Remember this for later) she walked up to me in the hallway as we were waiting for the other class to get out. She noticed a slightly heavy black girl standing across from us wearing a white tank top and some blue shorts (think soffe shorts). The first thing she did when she noticed her was to turn to me and mention how horrible she looked! I thought she looked fine, for a hot Friday afternoon in drought weather. I’m guessing this girl was used to condemning larger girls offhand when they don’t cloak themselves in tents to “preserve her gentle eyes”. Being a plus-size girl myself, I got laser-eyes and had to take a few deep breaths before I just let her have it. My views on people who don’t want to see fat on other people (my eyes are burning! is the common excuse) is to just say Let ’em burn, motherfucker! Why should this girl care what she has to wear to a college class on the last day of the school week in 100 degree weather? Girl looked good! This just….PISSED me off. And it tipped the scale on my thoughts of this girl from eh-she’s a freshmen, be nice…to no holds barred-this girl needs a slap in the face. 

I’m justifying my annoyance with her now not because she’s a freshman (though that certainly contributes) but because she’s a little priss narrow-minded bitch. The other day she pointed out a girl’s neon pink hair (literally, she pointed…as the girl was walking toward us) and mildly freaked out about it.

Maybe her “crazy college days” will come soon…but for now I am not looking forward to a semester of smack-and-talk freshman girl trying to ride my effort and notes through the class.

And now I leave you with some of my favorite college freshman memes.

it's always the profs fault. didn't you know?

fucking north face. ugh.

don't get me started on college alcohol stereotypes

I didn’t mean to make them look like a pyramid, I swear.