Not your typical TSA rant (Even though it really is)

The TSA guy at the Houston, TX airport.

THIS GUY.

THIS FUCKING GUY.

Ok, so I’ll preface this with some background info. For the past two weeks I was on semi-vacation visiting some family. We met my sister halfway to Houston and stayed there with in laws before flying out to West Virginia. We had to be in Houston because we were essentially helping my sister fly with her two sons.

I’ve never been in the Houston airport, and I can’t say it was too bad, but they need to SERIOUSLY reconsider their security lines. And seriously reconsider who they are putting in charge in TSA. (If they are supposedly trained to read social cues and profile, then they need to get some big-time psychological testing before being put in charge…just my opinion.)

Picture this: my sister has a 5 month old strapped to her chest, he’s good and all smiley and stuff; my mother is walking with a cane from a bad knee and helping me wrangle a two year old that wants to touch and climb on everything. We’re walking towards the security and it’s a huuuuuge line backed up to the hallway we just came from.

And then let me make this clear: there is a line for regular passengers, and then a separate line for first class, executive poobah, big muckity muck people.

We’re semi-okay with this because, hey, these lines usually move at an orderly pace. We’re good, we’re chillin’. But the baby timer is running down and things could get hairy. Imagine our surprise (sarcasm) when the line literally crawwwllss.

As we move like molasses up towards the ONE FUCKING TSA guy they have checking I.D., we notice the problem. They’re letting the “preferred” first class customers go first as soon as they get up to the front. If there’s a constant stream of first class-ers then how are we ever to get through security? This is only to check I.D.! There are 4 or 5 lanes open to de-shoe and de-bag ourselves then flash somebody in a big box…but they have the bright idea to put ONE person in charge of letting people into those lanes…?

The baby spit up, and we just said well whatever, and watched people behind us step in it (whoops, sorry folks. It matched the tile!), the two year old is flirting majorly and about to get some sort of disease with all the touching and climbing. We finally get up to the front and watch as the TSA asshole lets about 20-30 people in front of us before he thinks, oh yeah, there are OTHER FUCKING PEOPLE waiting in the regular line, who have been waiting for 45 minutes, I think it’s their turn. (And note, here: I think if you pay for first class, it starts and ends on the airplane. That’s where all your perks are anyway. It’s idiotic to have a setup like that within the security area).

THIS GUY. Okay this guy. Big old white guy. I’m behind my sister, who has her two sons with her. One strapped to her chest and one holding her hand. He checks her I.D., says “state your name” (which I’ve never heard before, what’s the point of that?). She complies, then says this is my son, Ryan and here’s his ticket, and then this is my other son, Brant, who is strapped to me and he is an infant so his ticket is on mine. Apparently we had given this guy a serious mindfuck because he could not understand who was who. He kept asking my sister to “state her name”, and she stated the only “her” that was present. At least three times. He didn’t get it because he thought the baby was a girl (who, I must add, is bald and wearing all blue!). I could see it happening as I was standing behind my sister and I thought to myself, why is this guy being so ornery about stating names and all that shit? He has three tickets in front of him and three people in front of him. What is the difficulty here?

He finally let us through, and after I had to state my name to him (which has a lot of “L’s” and kinda rolls off the tongue easily), even then he asked in a gruff voice, “Do you have a middle name?”. YEAH DUMBSHIT. I JUST SAID IT. LEIGH. FUCKING SOUNDS LIKE LEE. IT’S ON MY ID. CAN YOU READ?

I wanted to pull this guys arms off and beat him with them. Seriously. Can you fucking let us through, asshole? I don’t think we pose THAT MUCH of a fucking threat, we’ve already got our hands full with two small children. THEY ARE ENOUGH TO HANDLE, BELIEVE ME.

I mean, the only reason I could think of that would explain this guys attitude and idiocy was that he was clearly on a power trip. All of them are, anyway. Why not this guy? And maybe he was mad he wasn’t stationed at the body scan. Jerk.

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