High Schooler’s Self-Importance Syndrome

(Also applies to college students, albeit in different ways)

It’s been 6 years since I’ve been out of high school (thank the gods for that). I’m feeling it ya’ll. The gap? It’s widening.

You’ve seen it, I’m sure, when you go out to Wal-Mart in a small town and encounter the numerous roaming packs of gigglers and gruff-talkers (rural truck boys I’m talking about you). I see it every time I run to the store after 10 pm. They apparently have no where else to go at this time of a school night. There even used to be a unspoken reserved plot of parking lot for the circle-jerk of souped up trucks, complete with wrangler jean-clad boys and their respective tight plaid get-up girlfriends and paramours. That’s a summer thing I think, though. Now in the dead of winter they walk in with the standard ugg/sweatpant (or shorts, yeesh) outfit.

I write this begrudgingly because I used to be one, a band-geek if you will, and look back on those days with shame and trepidation (lest I should stumble upon something that makes me cringe, again and again). A couple days ago a friend, now in the air force as a mechanic, wrote on his Facebook about seeing a gaggle of band geeks in the store and apologizing if he ever behaved as ghastly as they did. “Were we this bad?” he said.

Yes. Yes we were.

I saw a young couple cutting through the baby-stuff aisle (dangerous, I know huh?) and they were basically falling over each other. My first thoughts were “aw, so cute (gag please).” My second thoughts were “ugh why do I have to see this? Contain your young and impulsive need to be seen!” Then when I passed by them, I thought, “hey, let them think that they’re being scandalous in the diaper aisle of a small town WalMart on a Saturday night, soon they’ll be sucked into the real world.” And after that, there’s no going back.


(Mis)Adventures in DIY

I found this 2 ingredient recipe for pore/acne strips, to replace the Biore ones you find at the drugstore. It’s been on my reading list bar for a while now so I decided to try it tonight. (After my dad had gone to bed so he couldn’t make fun of my glass mask face.)

Pretty simple.

2 ingredients: unflavored gelatin and milk. Best DIY ever, eh?

I thought, alright! I’m on board! But little did I know. The blogger has step by step pictures of her in the process. It looks innocent enough.

I mixed the concoction, microwaved for a bit, and set to slappin’ it on. Mind you — it stinks! Warm milk and unflavored jelly stuff, not a good smell. Maybe lime would have been better. Then again she doesn’t advise that.

So I slathered it on, nasty smell and all, and then waited. About 10 minutes in I’m feeling all breaky-face. I try to talk and feel like my skin is cracking (this can’t be a good sign). Time’s up! Let’s get to peeling.

This should be fun, right? It was like peeling dead skin, which you know, we all love. (No really, I know you like it. Everyone’s had a bad sunburn.)

It started out okay, but then I got to my cheek. Oh lordy was that not fun. Like peeling tape from a wound. The blogger mentions that this leaves your skin feeling baby soft, and after what I went through it was surprisingly close to… If you consider having baby skin meaning that you have a whole new layer after peeling the first one off! My skin is still tingling and red as I write this.

Her face, however, looks conspicuously free of redness and her eyes tearless. I finally just scrubbed the rest off with warm water and a washcloth.

It was a fun venture if you count pain part of the party. My face does have a nice soft feel after I gave it some moisturizer. Now, I know that these kinds of things are different from everyone, but I feel like I should have at least had a warning that the peelage would be painful.

God forbid, don’t get it in your eyebrows. I lost a few key hairs there.

Adventures in Baking: The first of many to come!

Recently I discovered Pinterest, thanks to my sister (who has to retain her sanity somehow, alone at the house with two little boys) and it’s got me acting all nest-y and stuff. Even though I have no reason to “nest” or anything like that.

Pinterest, as I see it, is a site that lets you bookmark stuff without actually bookmarking it on your browser. Pinterest has “boards” that you “pin” stuff to while adhering to certain categories and such. Most of my pins are food and clothes. It seems a popular place for brides to pin favorite wedding ideas and things. Young moms and teachers are also popular there. Really it’s a veritable wealth of DIY and pretty things. Some are a bit thinspo and fitness-y, which I ignore…but whatever.

That being said, I have a huge food board. Lots of recipes from people who take mouthwatering pictures of their food and blog about the recipe step by step. There isn’t a healthy dish on that board and if it so happens to be healthy I will find a way to change it, believe me.

What I find though is that with many of these recipes the quantity is set to feed an army (I picture their stereotypical husband and three kids with vacuums for mouths) or are for parties that they throw with their equally stereotyped friends. That’s fine and all guys. I can halve and quarter to my hearts content. The downside of doing so is that it doesn’t always turn out they way the pretty picture looks. (Yeesh, with their fancy cameras, how could it?)

It’s funny actually how much I end up screwing everything. For instance, take the iced coffee recipe. Seems simple and all when you read through and feast your eyes on the photo-ops, but for someone in a small town with not all the necessary items or containers (ugh) it’s not all coffee-colored-rainbows and caffeine-butterflies.

The recipe calls for 8 (fucking eight) quarts of water and a whole bag of coffee. Jesus, this woman is an addict was my first thought. No problem though…just half it. Easy-peasy.

It has to steep overnight or 8 hours? Alllrighty then. So much for instant gratification. Too bad I forgot about it the next day, sitting on the counter in a huge jug…liquid gold! After a while I began to wonder if there was such a thing as cold-brewing for too long. Shit, I don’t know these things. I don’t even order iced coffee at Starbucks! (I’m a passion tea lemonade gal, myself)

Welp. I have to strain it. Calls for a fine strainer and some cheesecloth. Wtf, cheesecloth? Long ago I thought this stuff was actually made from cheese. Would make the coffee taste a leeetle different, yes? Of course, none in sight at my local walmart or any other grocery/kitchen/whatever store. That’s all good…because coffee filters! Yes!

No. Because the container I was straining into didn’t hold the little strainer I had well, and the coffee filters made for sloooow going. Too late, I realized I could have transferred the unstrained liquid to the other container which did fit the strainer, but I was already a third of the way through. (I sabotage myself frequently) So I had to stand over the two containers slowly feeding the coffee through bits at a time. Needless to say I pulled up and chair and the mom and I discussed romance novels.

Wasn’t a bad experience after all. The next morning I was so excited and raring to go try my coffee. Since I hate having the little sugar granules or other such sugar substitute floating at the bottom of the coffee not quite mixed it (which inevitably leads to a SUPER SWEET last few sips) I decided to use sweetened condensed milk. I see those words and I say it in Mary from the movie Mary and Max’s voice. If you haven’t seen that movie you really should.

Oh by the way SCM doesn’t like to mix with coffee either. I got little pearls of it with each sip of cold coffee. The mom had a great idea and just frothed it up with a hand mixer and we added some chocolate and BAM MUH’FUCKAS a vanilla mocha coffee thingy! Success! I can’t really enjoy it on my early hour drive to school though…because. erm. it’s coffee ya know? (Sets things in motion, if you get my drift)

Stay tuned for more of me being stupid with recipes. And some truly successful ones, I promise.

Here’s the recipe I tried.

Pretty, isn't it?

Small step for me…not that much of a giant leap for anyone else.

But it’s a step! For me! Tis good!

Remember that annoying freshman girl I ranted about a couple of weeks ago?

Weeeel. Let’s just say I got a bit tired of her. To the point that I’ve wanted to just haul off and slap her. I wouldn’t really do it, but oh goodness it would surprise her.

Today we were watching a movie to go along with the book it’s written from. I happen to enjoy this movie and the book, so I wanted to actually watch it. She came in today and immediately popped some gum in her mouth, started chewing away, and turned to her new BFF to run her mouth. Class hadn’t even started so no big, right?

I didn’t want to wait. I made a decision that for me was monumental. I don’t like confrontation, so me getting up and moving away from her to another seat in the class was, to me, the equivalent to really hauling off and slapping her. We had started out okay, right? But there comes a point when I don’t want to “share” notes, listen to incessant meaningless chatter, or hear something roll around in your mouth noisily, for an hour. (Speaking of “sharing” notes, she didn’t ask if she could. She would blah blah blah very disrespectfully to the class and professor and then lean over and copy what I had on my computer if she had noticed I’d written something. Fucking made me MAD, ya’ll.)

It was a big step guys, because instead of wallowing in my indecision or listening to the mean voice in my head that tells me to DEAL WITH IT, I made a conscious decision and followed through. Yay! I gathered up my computer and bag and moved on down the row.

I know she was looking at me going, um wtf? And I’m sure I was a part of their whispering for a while, but honestly, I didn’t feel bad. At all. I didn’t feel like I had done something wrong. I felt AWESOME. I fixed my problem.

And to hell with her if she had a problem with it.

You know when people say they don’t give a fuck? And you think, psh yeah I’m sure you at least give a little bit of a fuck. Well this was my moment in which I literally had no fucks to give. There were none there, and so none were given.

It felt great! Now I don’t have to dread this class anymore.


Freshmen: To Condemn or not to condemn….

At the start of this semester I overheard some friends of mine talking about these guys in a truck trying to (playfully?) run down a freshmen crossing the street. When I heard it, I got a bit pissed for a couple of reasons.

First is…that’s fucking rude! Kid could have had a shit day in his first week of college and some jerks go and do this!

Second was the fact that our school, though growing (we just got a football team! Go Runners!), is still largely a commuter school. Myself being one of those commuters (it’s an hour drive ya’ll. Eugh.) So justifying who is and who isn’t a Freshman can get a little sticky. Best just to not even try. I mean, there are those tell-tale signs: glazed eyes, asking for directions or constantly consulting a campus map, and the clothes (yes, you can tell. Senior hs shirts and uggs.). I remember coming over from another school as a sophomore transfer and having to blunder around campus for a while before I got the hang of things. There is also a large population of the older generations going back to school (my creative nonfiction writing professor is a 40 year old grad student who had children early and has worked up to this point. Cool points!). I just don’t think it is wise to torment someone on a loosely based judgement.

Third is…what the fuck is up with terrorizing them in the first place? I get it, you are at the top of the totem pole again (speaking of my Senior friends) and you get to reenact your high school hierarchy. But shouldn’t that just stay in high school? Unless you’re one of those kids that thought high school was the best four years of your life (EUGH again). Now, some freshman are obnoxious and might trigger that need-to-haze line of thinking, but I think it best to just ignore those types. They’ll have to bend over for college at some point and college doesn’t give reach-arounds.

Case in point: A freshman girl in my Texas and Southwest literature class. She initially started chatting me up in the first or second day of class and we are class-buddies now (useful if you don’t already have someone you know in the class). That was great and all…but I’m getting a bit worn down on her obnoxiousness.

I honestly don’t know how this girl ended up in there. I’m genuinely interested in taking this lit class (hello, English major) and like the topic and style of teaching…but she’s a Nursing student set to transfer to a bigger university next semester. She constantly talks and whispers to me and the guy next to her, smacking her gum all the while (don’t EVEN get me started on the irrational violence that triggers in me) and she hardly reads or cares about the material. Every time she comes in and sits next to me she sighs and complains about how tired she is and how she didn’t do the reading. First of all, like I care. And bitch, you’re tired now? Just wait sweetheart. And I don’t know if she’s gotten the memo yet, but stupidity isn’t attractive. Neither is pretending that you’re behind in class and don’t care. You’ll care at some point, because you’ll have to.

For example: Last week (Friday! Remember this for later) she walked up to me in the hallway as we were waiting for the other class to get out. She noticed a slightly heavy black girl standing across from us wearing a white tank top and some blue shorts (think soffe shorts). The first thing she did when she noticed her was to turn to me and mention how horrible she looked! I thought she looked fine, for a hot Friday afternoon in drought weather. I’m guessing this girl was used to condemning larger girls offhand when they don’t cloak themselves in tents to “preserve her gentle eyes”. Being a plus-size girl myself, I got laser-eyes and had to take a few deep breaths before I just let her have it. My views on people who don’t want to see fat on other people (my eyes are burning! is the common excuse) is to just say Let ’em burn, motherfucker! Why should this girl care what she has to wear to a college class on the last day of the school week in 100 degree weather? Girl looked good! This just….PISSED me off. And it tipped the scale on my thoughts of this girl from eh-she’s a freshmen, be nice…to no holds barred-this girl needs a slap in the face. 

I’m justifying my annoyance with her now not because she’s a freshman (though that certainly contributes) but because she’s a little priss narrow-minded bitch. The other day she pointed out a girl’s neon pink hair (literally, she pointed…as the girl was walking toward us) and mildly freaked out about it.

Maybe her “crazy college days” will come soon…but for now I am not looking forward to a semester of smack-and-talk freshman girl trying to ride my effort and notes through the class.

And now I leave you with some of my favorite college freshman memes.

it's always the profs fault. didn't you know?

fucking north face. ugh.

don't get me started on college alcohol stereotypes

I didn’t mean to make them look like a pyramid, I swear.


DIY Doldrums (Part 1)

Since I’m in the lull before the storm/school phase, I thought it would be in my best interest to do some DIY-ing. Hobbies and such. You know, things “normal” people have? (Whoever these normal people might be….or where!)

All I do for work is sort, file, and mail out admissions letters. After that, free time! So it’s to the computer I go. I found several good things to try, with tutorials (and lots of pictures!).

First up was homemade lip balm. I did this when I was younger and thought it was a hoot. Although, at that time, it was the easy-peesy kid’s version with vasoline and flavoring. I was (and still am) trying for something a bit more challenging though. From the many recipes I perused it was evident that beeswax needed to be involved, as well as ‘essential oils’ which is a new one for me, and Vitamin E oil, and well…other cosmetic-y things. I’m in a fairly small town, however, which does not boast it’s choices for these types of things. Vendors beware of my town; start talking Bay or Camphor oil and they might think you’re “one of those new-agey Wiccan/Pagan/Hippie grass skirt people”.

martha stewart lb

Look how pretty! But trust me, homemade pics to come are not so nice.

Of course, no luck where I am. Walmart? Psh hell no. I tried everywhere else and only came up with Beeswax that was for hardware (don’t want that on my lips). Essential oils? Another hell to the no. I can’t find it on it’s own because it’s mixed into other things and I have to steer clear of un-pronounceable names on the backs of bottles. At least I did find Vitamin E oil, in Walmart. I already have flavorings such as honey and vanilla/almond/coconut extract. I was almost there.

What, you say? Order online? Well fuck that. I hate waiting! But I caved. I ordered some beeswax bars off Amazon. I wanted very badly to order off another site (The Sage) that has BUNCHES of stuff. But they won’t take my card because of address issues (I recently moved). But alas, I am not to be discouraged. Cocoa Butter to the rescue! Found some pure cocoa butter sticks at Sally’s. It tastes amazing when combined with vanilla-y scents. But I fucked it up by reheating it out of a tub I put it in to get it into a tube. And now it’s all goopy. Plus the cats keep knocking it over on my desk because it smells funny.

Not so pretty, eh?

I’ve tried three times, however, to get the beeswax recipe to work and so far they are all too stiff to roll onto the lips or try to scrape out of a tin.

Strike 1. (I’m giving up for now. At least until my dad stops trying to pester me and make fun of it.)

Another DIY, that I am somewhat knowledgeable about…is sewing! Sewing things, that is. I got a super nice sewing machine for Christmas awhile back, and so far I can make zipper pouches and slip/pillow covers…sorta. They don’t look all that great though. I’m far from an expert sewer. My lines aren’t even straight, and I get freaked out when I step on the peddle and it goes too fast. All slow-going for me. I want to try to make some things that are similar to zipper pouches and cases and such. Found some good tutorials, and I’ve already tackled the dreaded zipper foot (according to my mom, who stayed away from it for years), so I should be good to go, yes?

Well. We’ll see. Laptop case is first on the list.

An open letter to the lowlife in my hometown who may or may not have internet access

Hey, person who put gum on the inside of my mother’s car door handle.

I’ve been terribly ill and wiping my nose constantly. Recently there has been a change in the mucus dribbling out; it’s gone from a light greenish-yellow to a slightly thicker dark yellow.

Oh, and I’ve been driving the car, since it’s been raining and mom doesn’t like to drive in the rain. I’m pretty sure the handle has had it’s fair share.

Enjoy, motherfucker!